The Married And Naked Podcast - Marriage Secrets Revealed

Love, Loss And New Beginnings - Episode 55

August 04, 2023 Married and Naked Episode 55
The Married And Naked Podcast - Marriage Secrets Revealed
Love, Loss And New Beginnings - Episode 55
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Just when we thought our schedules couldn't get any busier, we found ourselves juggling our businesses, caring for family members, and grappling with the strain it has put on our relationship. Is it possible to find balance amidst the chaos? Just when we thought we had it figured out we ride the roller coaster of puppy love, profound grief, and an exhilarating adventure to celebrate our love.  We're on a raw and honest journey and sharing it all with you. 

We're extending an invitation to you, our listeners. Do you have a story that mirrors ours or lessons you've learned from similar experiences? We would love to hear from you and explore these topics further on our podcast. From health struggles to pet loss, your stories matter to us. Reach out to us via email at marriedinnaked@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram @marriednnaked. Together, let's continue these conversations.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married to Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.

Speaker 2:

And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.

Speaker 1:

We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast. Hi baby, welcome. Hey baby, how are you?

Speaker 2:

I am good. I'm actually feel very excited to be sitting back in the podcast chair in our podcast studio, aka our spare bedroom. Yes, to be talking with you again.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know, it's been a while, huh.

Speaker 2:

It's been a while, it's been a lot and, yeah, I'm excited to be back here and talking with you guys as well. Hope you all are doing well out there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm excited too, and since it's been a little while, we thought we'd do a little update for you this episode. So I hope you kind of know what's been going on with us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we always try to pull back the curtain to how to be better in a relationship. Obviously hints the name Married and Naked, but I think this is good for cathartic for us, since we do this podcast specifically for us, right, baby yeah.

Speaker 1:

Forget you listeners. No, I'm just kidding, that's not true.

Speaker 2:

No, but it's cathartic for us too, to kind of explore what we've been going through the highs, the lows, and we've had a few lows lately that have been really challenging, and we're about to have a high that is I can't even imagine that mountaintop.

Speaker 1:

So, and we'll share with you today what we're talking about, yeah, and I think it's very helpful for people to hear that we don't live any different than anybody else. We go through it just like everybody else. You know our relationship outside of our relationship and this particular last couple of months have been incredibly challenging and I know on one of the recent episodes we shared part of what we have been going through with your parents and how we have been managing some of that chaos and crisis. That was the topic of that particular episode how to manage crisis.

Speaker 2:

So, if you're willing to take this journey with us, we're going to end by talking about what we'll be doing next week.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

All right, so let's jump into it.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

So on our last episode we talked about my mom and what's been going on with my mom and my dad, the challenges there, and those are still there. We feel like we've gotten a little bit of a breather because there's now Caregivers Caregivers that are now on standby and kind of-.

Speaker 1:

On standby that are there.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and relieving a lot of the day-to-day worry that we've had.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

So which has been great.

Speaker 1:

And if you're not sure what that is, you can go back to the episode on managing crisis. I think that was two episodes ago.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, I mean it was. So we've moved past that, which has been great. So now we move to our own crises. Is that crises? Crisis is this.

Speaker 1:

I don't know crises.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we now focusing on our own, our relationship and ourselves. If you don't know, I do elementary school assemblies and so-.

Speaker 1:

Fourth and fifth graders.

Speaker 2:

Fourth and fifth graders, and I've been doing it for 27 years.

Speaker 1:

What type of assemblies are they?

Speaker 2:

So I do historical reenactments. They're fantastic. I love them, one of the best things I could ever do in my life. It's so fun. And my season ends at the end of the school year, and so what happens is, as we go through the school year, of course, schools that find they have budgets or monies they say hey, joel, we'd like to book you, and of course, the last dates we ever have are the end of the school year. So for years and years now, my last five to six weeks of the school year are absolutely slammed every single day.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you're gone working, often far distances every day plus our other businesses that we're managing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, plus the other big exactly, but literally April, May and June are the busiest, absolutely busiest times in our relationship and our life, because it's so much work.

Speaker 1:

You're gone doing the shows, I do the behind the scenes and booking all the shows for you. Plus, we manage a lot of other businesses, so it is a very, very hectic time for us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I'm not saying any of this for sympathy, I'm saying this so I'm painting the picture of what happens. So I love it, I absolutely love it. Wouldn't have it any other way, With one exception it is tough this last few weeks dealing with mom and dad, and then I was gone to Sacramento for a week and then I come home for two days. Then I go to Oceanside for four or five days and then I come home for a couple of days and then I'm in Oxnard. All that to say that's a lot of being away, a lot of travel, a lot of nights away from the kids, away from you, you know what, and it's just nonstop for weeks on end. So it's really tough Stuff on a marriage. Tough on family.

Speaker 1:

I always find those couple months where it's very, very hectic at the end of the school year to be very difficult on you and I. We don't get a lot of time together, you're very tired, I'm managing more of the stuff here at home, so I often feel like alone and all that kind of stuff. So it's always a challenging time for you and I personally, as in our marriage.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, it always is. We've never talked about this. It's always there, yeah, and we know it comes there. And every year you say don't book as many schools.

Speaker 1:

I know every year I'm like why are you doing this?

Speaker 2:

And what do I say? I love it. I know I love it, I really do. And now that I'm not doing assemblies right now, there is a little bit of like a no, I'm like hallelujah. Hey, I miss being in front of 150 screaming fourth and fifth graders. I love it, I miss it.

Speaker 1:

It's nice to have you home and not to have that particular chaos in our life at the moment.

Speaker 2:

Yes, so anyways, that's going on. I'm gonna bring us to a little bit of the positive, a little bit of the wonderful that happened in our life but added chaos. And that is this we're walking around one night on our date night and we passed this lady who is selling dogs.

Speaker 1:

We were walking the mall. We were walking the mall Outdoor mall, the Victoria Gardens.

Speaker 2:

Here in Rancho Cucamonga, we had this beautiful outdoor mall and we're walking around and all of a sudden, this lady is selling these golden doodles, puppies, puppies, and my wife melts. And, by the way, we have a dog. We've had a dog for years. He's a multi-poo, a multi-poo. And my wife literally melts in front of me and I've only seen this one other time, and that was the time she really wanted a tortoise and I did not know how bad it was. I didn't know how bad it really, and then it just got to where it was, like we can't breathe until we get a tortoise. So of course we have a tortoise.

Speaker 1:

Which Joel got me for an anniversary gift. By the way, it's the best gift ever.

Speaker 2:

Wow, you're very sweet. So we're walking, and the rest of our night became a very no, what happened was?

Speaker 1:

I asked a question Because Joel's I'm a big animal lover, Joel's a little bit different.

Speaker 2:

I love animals. Just at somebody else's house.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, my kids and I, we would prefer that we have a farm. I mean, we could never possibly have enough animals. That's not really your thing knowing that, so I asked you after that. So just out of curiosity, is this ever gonna be in our future, the idea of getting a new puppy? That's how it all started.

Speaker 2:

And I don't exactly remember how. I'm sure you'll remember exactly what I said, but I was like babe, we have a dog, I mean we have a tortoise, a dog, guinea pigs, fish. I mean, what do you want? I'm stumbling, but what did I actually say to your question at that moment? That's probably what you said, and so, yeah, that's probably what I said, which then flipped the switch in Tammy and our date night turned into a very, very mellow, somber.

Speaker 1:

That wasn't intentional. I apologize for that.

Speaker 2:

I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying what had happened we wouldn't have, because I realized that it.

Speaker 1:

I realized that this is absolutely nothing that you want, and so then it's like I have to come to some kind of acceptance of this is not going to be in my future, or I'm. If it is in my future, then it's going to be something you're really unhappy with. So neither way felt good.

Speaker 2:

Fast forward. Two hours later, we're sitting in the car getting ready to leave our date night and I turned to you and I said what happened? What happened From the moment we saw the dog to right now sitting in the car with you, something changed and then you shared exactly what you just said to me. Yeah, and what did I say to you? I don't wanna. What do you remember me saying to you?

Speaker 1:

I remember you saying that you didn't realize how deep that desire ran for me. I know you know I love animals, but I don't think you realize how truly deep and soul fulfilling it is for me. So I think it hit you were just realizing, from what I'm understanding of that moment, how truly deep that love for animals is for me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I remember saying that, although it's not something I would choose, I want you to be happy. Yeah, I really want you to be happy and you, you know you'd shared with me that when you were growing up, you had a dog, but it was Melissa's, your sister's.

Speaker 1:

Well, it wasn't that. It was that when we got a dog, my dad brought one home. That dog had to stay outside. It never was allowed in our house, and so there was just never an ability to connect with that dog.

Speaker 2:

And then when we got Cody, yes, our multipoo, yes, it was for our daughter.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I wanted a dog for our family but I never really got, I feel, an opportunity to truly bond with him. Because I was we but I because I was the one home at the time really with the kids, I was raising kids I just didn't have the energy or the desire, I guess, to really bond. I loved having him and he is an amazing part of our family, but he really became Devin our daughter's dog.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, so you were sharing with me those feelings that you had, that you really, really wanted to bond and I wanted my own dog. Yeah, I had that fantasy of having a dog I could love and yeah, I remember sitting in the car and saying to you, like in my mind, when Cody moves on, that at some point we will get another dog. I remember saying that to you. But you, it became crystal clear that that feeling of deep, soulful like you just described was really, really coming to the surface. And I've told you, I remember saying that, babe, I don't want to. It's not what I would choose, it's not the timing I would choose it, but I don't want to keep you from getting or fulfilling what you really really want. I want to be. You know I'll be there and I'll ride with you for whatever you really really want. And that was like our conversation. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

You know we kissed, hugged and drove home and and I really didn't want to wait till our dog, cody, passes away, because I wanted to have one here for when that happened, knowing how difficult that pain was going to be. When that happened, and that he is getting quite old, I knew that was coming soon, so I just didn't want to not have a dog when that time came.

Speaker 2:

So fast forward to five days later. Six days later Okay, ish, I'm getting ready to head up to Sacramento and I have to drop you off somewhere. And as I'm dropping you off somewhere, you turn to me and said remember the conversation we had out at the mall? And I looked at you and I said yeah, and you're like, was it real what you said to me? And I said well, of course, absolutely. If you want to get a dog, I understand it's, you know it absolutely. And you, unbeknownst to me at that moment, had already been plotting and planning and kind of behind the scenes and already had something going in the works. And then I'll let you take it from there.

Speaker 1:

Well, the truth is, because it had been such a strong desire for such a long time I had been looking for a long time. I just never talked to you about it. I never thought it was something that was ever going to be an actuality. So it's just something I would do. I would look at different dog breeds and what's the best kind to have and how much are those kinds of puppies or what are the hyperallergenic dogs, Because my daughter's allergic, so I did a lot of that all the time. So when you opened the window to where I was like, oh, this can actually happen. I dove really fast and really deep because I already knew what I wanted and how much they were.

Speaker 2:

Five, six days, I mean just by the way. I'm dropping her off and then, after I drop you off, I am literally on the freeway to Sacramento. Two hours into my drive I get a video sent to me by my daughter with you.

Speaker 1:

Well, you said. I said I found one. That's a really good price, which is always a good thing. To tell you, it really was half price from what I had been looking.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

I got a litter in my area.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and would it be okay, the exact breed I wanted.

Speaker 1:

Would it be okay if we go and pick them up and you're like, yes, of course.

Speaker 2:

So two hours later, the kids and I went. I got a video with my wife in tears holding our new dog, storm.

Speaker 1:

It makes me emotional.

Speaker 2:

You should post that video.

Speaker 1:

It was very special, yeah, it was.

Speaker 2:

It was very special and I just have to say, from my perspective, just seeing the tears in your eyes, Do you have tears in your eyes? You weren't there, no, but as much as I don't have. I really wish I felt the same feelings of having a farm around, like you truly want, like you just want animals everywhere. For me, it's just I look at it different. It's not the animals, it's the responsibility. I understand that. It's the tie, it's the oh. We just can't cut and go. And you know, that's what it is for me.

Speaker 1:

There are a lot of work.

Speaker 2:

I get it A lot of work and waking up early and putting them out. So I'm on their schedule, not on my schedule. So it's that stuff and I know that me sound very selfish and I may come off as a complete jerk.

Speaker 1:

I'm sure a lot of people agree with you. And then there's the whole other half. That's on my side, you know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I remember sitting in the car saying, well, this is how I feel, but that you know we're in a relationship. I don't want to hold you back from something. You wouldn't hold me back if there's something that I felt that deep down in my soul and you haven't. And I just remember feeling that I got to get out of the way of this in order for you to feel the fulfillment that you truly deserve.

Speaker 1:

So we brought home and when you were away, sadly, because I really wanted you to be there, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity for this particular pup- yeah. My kids and I went and picked up an eight-week-old golden doodle. He's actually a double doodle, so his parents were doodles, but he's black and yeah his name is Storm, or we call him Stormy. Yeah, he's a great dog, he's a very he's a great dog, it was truly one of the happiest moments I've ever felt, knowing I was walking away with him. I think because, because of how unselfish of a moment that was for you, it just was for you to say it's okay when I know that's not really your thing and it's a huge inconvenience to you, that was really special and I'm so grateful that you, like you said, kind of took yourself out of being in the way and giving me your blessing on that, because I would never want to do something that made your life miserable or you didn't like. You know that I don't want to do that. I don't want to make your life unhappy. It was a truly unselfish moment and I'm just very grateful that you, you gave me the gift of not having to carry the burden of your feelings about it and you allowed me to really just go for what I wanted.

Speaker 2:

Well, we're going to take you on a little roller coaster ride here.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so we brought Stormy home on a Tuesday while you were gone.

Speaker 2:

You were sending me videos. The kids were saying videos, you were happy. That look of happiness is just. I mean, that was priceless.

Speaker 1:

It was a wonderful day.

Speaker 2:

It was a wonderful day, wonderful second day.

Speaker 1:

Yes, we, you know, introduced our dog Cody to Stormy. They were doing really well, getting along great. We had the kids and I had this most amazing two days later, Thursday, where everybody was just happy. We were just having such a good time. And then that night I noticed that my dog Cody, his stomach was really large. I obviously Googled what this could mean, what to do, and everything I read said you should take your dog to the vet. So that's what I did. At nine o'clock at night I left and took Cody to the vet and we were there for like four hours and Cody that day had just enjoyed his day so thoroughly. He ate everything he could possibly find to eat and he, it was just, he just seemed happy. It just was like a good day. And the vet said he had eaten too much but that he was going to be okay. He didn't see why. He wouldn't be fine that go home and kind of let him rest it off and then that probably be fine. And then the next morning when I came to check on him, he had passed away over the night. Yeah, so I had the best day. And then two days later I lost our other dog and I had to be. You know, I was the one who found him and then I had to go wake up the kids and tell them that Cody had died. So, and I know so many of you have been through the death of a vet and we knew it was coming because he was almost 13. But I don't know things, just don't prepare you for that and I thought he was going to be okay and he wasn't. And the vet was shocked that he had passed away. He did not understand what had happened and the kids and I sat with him for a long time and we did pop prints with him and then we had to do the horrible task of taking him back to the vet and saying goodbye yeah, yeah, and you weren't here, which was also really hard. And I had a lot I have still, but I'm working through it a lot of guilt that I didn't do everything I could have done for him. So it's just been, it's been really hard.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

It's been really hard hard to say goodbye to him, feeling that I just brought this other dog in and I don't know made things bad for him or something, and then he was gone two days later.

Speaker 2:

I again those of you out there that have gone through this. This is like one of the hardest things I mean you the death of a family member and the death of an aunt.

Speaker 1:

He was truly our, our family. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I've been so hard wanting you to let that guilt go.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I know you, you feel bad. But everyone around you, the kids, cody, everyone experienced that wonderful day of having a new dog, a new beginning, cody being everything he could be, devon and our kids, our two kids, just absolutely loving everything about it, our, your sister, your brother, everyone seeing the joy that was going on and then to lose him. It's not your fault. You brought joy into our family. You made the pain of the loss of Cody. You know there you will never forget. But now we have joy to move us forward, to keep the joy going in our family.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's been five weeks and it still, it still hurts a lot. Yeah, it's, it's been pretty brutal, but we do have Stormy and that's been a wonderful gift. And many people have said, you know, because Cody was old, you know he was deaf and blind, and many people have said that he just needed to know that we were going to be okay and then he had truly like the last, the best, last day, and then he decided we were okay and and and passed on. And I don't know if that's true, but it does give me some a little bit of peace.

Speaker 2:

I mean, it's be fair deaf, blind. He had a hard time walking. Going down the stairs was a challenge. He was falling a lot.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I mean it could have been a lot, lot longer of a process.

Speaker 1:

It was abrupt and I do feel very grateful that, first of all, we didn't have to make the decision that I know so many people have to make of putting a pet down. Grateful we didn't have to get to that, and also I'm grateful we had time to say goodbye, because I know a lot of people don't get that opportunity to, so there was blessings in that as well. So, yeah, that's where I've been in a lot of grief over that. I knew I would feel, but it just hit me much, much harder than I thought and it also carried a lot of guilt with it.

Speaker 2:

So, but wait, there's more as we move through that. My shows wrap up. The life was stormy. It becomes a new norm Barking really early in the morning, the getting up, the in and out my schedule training him. Training him, scheduling all that, and suddenly you are whacked with the longest streak of migraines you've ever had in your entire life. We're talking did you go 12 days? I think so. 12 straight days of migraines.

Speaker 1:

Migraines are very common for me. I've had them my whole life. Ever since I started having periods I've had migraines pretty much at least once a month, but typically they'll go a couple of days and then move on. Over the last few years they'll go maybe three to four days I'll have them and then they go away until the next cycle. But I have had a couple recent ones where they've gone longer than that. And then, yeah, this particular episode, it just every day. I'd get a little relief from my medication and then the next morning I'd wake up severe migraine and it just went on like that, day after day, me in a lot of pain.

Speaker 2:

And for those of you that suffer from migraines or other debilitating things that happen. You know the challenge that you are faced with. You know the pain and the inability to get comfortable.

Speaker 1:

It's brutal.

Speaker 2:

It's brutal.

Speaker 1:

It's brutal, it affects literally everything. It affects our relationship, because I can't connect, I don't want to, because I'm so miserable I don't sleep, my work gets affected, everything. So, yep, I've been dealing with almost two weeks of migraines and I finally had you take me to the urgent care this past Friday and he gave me a couple injections and also put me on steroids to stop the cycle of migraines, because I guess now I'm learning Sometimes people go in these cycles of migraines and can't get out of them and need help getting out. So I got help to get out and last three days I felt like a person and it's been amazing, amazing. Yeah, I'm so, so grateful and I think we all maybe most of us anyway unless you live with chronic disease most of us completely take for granted feeling normal.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

We take it for granted, but it is the most amazing gift, and you realize that if you don't have your health, you literally have nothing. Nothing was okay while I was going through that and it feels like it's never gonna end. So I am very grateful to be sitting here with you and that's why we're sitting here, because I feel good. I'm feeling better mentally. Yes, I'm still hurting, but every day I'm processing through, getting better. I'm feeling better physically and ready to pick my life back up again.

Speaker 2:

Now this moves us towards the end.

Speaker 1:

Yes, the carrot that I dangled earlier, and that was Well, let me just say thank you for helping me get through this, because I'm so grateful to have your support, your emotional support, as I went through the grief of Cody and I know you Grieve too, but it's different than what I was grieving, plus I was carrying the guilt and you're helping me through that and and just helping me get through my grains when you've got to pick up and and do so much for me, be that I can't do so. Thank you for being there for me.

Speaker 2:

Of course. Okay, now we can go to what you so this year, this summer, is our 25 year Anniversary.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

If any relationship out there makes it to 25 years, you deserve a high five congratulations. It's. It's Incredible, because if you're listening to this, you're probably in a relationship and you know how hard it is. You know how difficult it is. You know the growth you have to go through to get through one year, five years, ten years, fifteen years, let alone twenty or twenty five years. And it is hard, it's rewarding, it's incredible, and you and I decided that we are going to renew our vows.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and we knew this years ago we were gonna do this on our 25th.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and we're gonna do it in our favorite place and we're gonna have family and friends come and join us. So we're about to to cut loose and head to Cancun. Yes and next week get remarried. Yeah so, who knows, by the time you're listening to this, we may already be re-hitched. So but yeah, it's, it's, it's incredible, it's all that we're going through. Like it's been hard for us to get excited about this because of, well, we just shared with you. Yeah, there's a lot, so much, and so now we're really excited. Yeah we're excited.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and, and you said, everybody who gets to 25 deserves a high five. Yes, you do, but a lot of people who get to 25 are not in a good place. Yeah and I do just want to recognize that had, had we been in the same place Maybe four or five years ago and hit our 25. I don't think we would be renewing our vows. It's the work that we've done in the last Especially handful of years yes, over our entire marriage, but especially the last four years or so has significantly changed our lives, our relationship, so that now, truly hitting 25, we can say we are way better than we've ever been, much more connected than we've ever been, so that when we stand there and renew our vows, this is truly a renewal of of a marriage. We're in a different place than we've ever been in our whole, entire marriage.

Speaker 2:

Yeah it's.

Speaker 1:

We've worked so hard to get here, so, yes, we deserve a high five.

Speaker 2:

We deserve a party.

Speaker 1:

We're taking a you know, a few family and friends and really celebrate all the work that we've put in to where we are, celebrate our love and Celebrate what we have ahead of us in a beautiful future, absolutely so. I'm excited to tell you all about our wonderful trip to Cancun. Yeah, coming here in the future.

Speaker 2:

Yep, absolutely Well. We thank you guys for listening and supporting so much. Support each other.

Speaker 1:

Keep doing the work.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah and we know we're not the only ones that are in it. And if you've got a story to share, if there's something you'd like us to explore on the podcast, please let us know, please let us hear from you, even if it's, if it's similar to what we're discussing where it's, you know, health or a loss of a pet, loss of a pet. Yeah, please, let us hear from you.

Speaker 1:

You can email us at married in naked at gmailcom, or you can certainly Instagram message us married in naked on Instagram and thank you so much for listening. We love you all. Hope you are having an awesome summer and enjoying your time with the kiddos at home and if not, trust me, it'll be over before you know it and we'll talk to you next time on the married in naked podcast. Bye everybody.

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