10 Questions To Help You Fall In Love Again - Episode 59

Last week Tammy shared an innocent post on the MarriedNNaked Instagram listing 10 Questions To Help You Fall In Love Again.

Little did she realize the attention this post would get. 

In this post are 10 conversation starters that can help you reconnect with your spouse.

But 43 million views later (and counting), we have been overwhelmed with what people are saying about these questions, both good and bad.

We dig into the controversy surrounding Tammy's post about these deep relationship questions and discuss why these 10 conversation starters elicited such strong responses.

Learn how questions like these can help rekindle love and intimacy in your relationship. And Tammy is sharing 3 very important reminders to keep in mind when using conversation starters.    You don't want to miss those.

Plus, Joel and Tammy are quizzing each other on 5 Fun Conversation Starters that you can ask your partner today.

So tune in, let's re-ignite your marriage one conversation at a time!

Grab your FREE PDF of the 10 Questions That Can Make You Fall In Love Again by clicking HERE

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married to Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.

Speaker 2: 0:07

And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.

Speaker 1: 0:13

We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome in to the Married to Naked podcast. Everybody Happy to have you here with us today. I miss sitting in the seats. It's been a little bit. It's been a little bit. It's been a little bit it's been a little bit, it feels like a really long time. It hasn't been that long, but it certainly feels like it, like time is just flying by.

Speaker 2: 0:41

I'm sure we're not the only ones that feel this way as well, but the closer to the end of the year we get, I just feel like I mean you turn a page and five days went by. You know what I mean 100%.

Speaker 1: 0:52

I could not even believe October was gone on the 31st. I was shocked by it. You did I feel like it took me completely by surprise.

Speaker 2: 1:00

Hope you guys are doing wonderful. I am excited about today's topic, babe.

Speaker 1: 1:04

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:05

Yeah, I am. I love this stuff. You know that I'm really excited about this topic because, first of all, it's very topical and it's also polarizing. We did not realize that this was a polarizing topic. You recently shared a post on Instagram that first of all exploded for your page. I mean millions and millions of views on this post and it was on questions that we ask each other, and it became polarizing. People took a side on this.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Well, the post was 10 questions to help you fall in love again, and they were connecting conversation starters essentially. And one of the reasons I shared that is because this is kind of a habit for you and I, that we use conversation starters all the time. So I thought it'd be fun to share that idea with others and also, in the description, sharing how and why you and I use them. And I was completely surprised by I think we both were.

Speaker 1: 2:07

By the comments. They were either I love this or I hate this. I have seen the best and the worst of the internet in the comments section of this post, but my intention was to remind people that simple practices like asking each other deep, connecting questions can really help reignite or bring back some of those feelings that you feel in the beginning when you're dating each other and getting to know each other, and I think that those are really important practices as you go through your entire marriage. So that was the whole reason behind posting that.

Speaker 2: 2:48

I was really surprised at the opposite side of that. The people that hated it didn't like it at all, Because it is one of our favorite things to do.

Speaker 1: 3:00

That's what I wanna talk about today, because clearly people are interested in this particular topic. They are interested in having a list of questions. They are interested in falling in love with their spouse. Again, they're interested in creating happy and healthy marriages and finding strategies to do that. This is one that's had a really big positive impact on our marriage and we continue to use regularly. So I wanted to talk about how we use conversation starters, why we use them, and then I also wanna give three reminders about how to use these conversation starters.

Speaker 2: 3:37

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 3:38

So let's talk about how the idea of using conversation starters came about for you and I.

Speaker 1: 3:46

When you and I were struggling, one thing I noticed was we would go on date night occasionally. We didn't have like a really good regular thing, but when we did get time to go on date night, what would most often happen is we would wind up bickering or wind up in an argument and then come home feeling more frustrated and disconnected than ever. And one of the things we realized when we were trying to repair our marriage and really we were kind of digging in and really analyzing what's not working and why is this not working One of the things we realized is that on these date nights, the majority of our conversation would be about work, and for you and I that's a touchy subject. Because we work together, we work at home, we work in the same office, we run businesses together. It can be a very touchy subject. We would talk about the kids and especially at that time when our kids were young, we would have differing opinions about how to handle things, how to discipline, and that would cause an argument.

Speaker 2: 4:52

Or one of our other favorite topics would be a sinkhole known as.

Speaker 1: 4:56

Finances or money. Yeah, let me tell you, a sinkhole, and that wasn't even like we couldn't even just talk about it. That just immediately led to an argument. So, when we were really analyzing these date nights and realizing this is why we're arguing all the time one of the things that I suggested was why don't we make a rule on our date nights where we do not allow these conversations, we don't talk about these triggers, and that's what we started to do.

Speaker 1: 5:29

So the question everybody asked is if you don't talk about that, what else is there to talk about? Because what else is there right?

Speaker 1: 5:37

It's all about work and the kids and money or you know, the in-laws are all these trigger things that's usually what conversation's about. So I don't know why or how, but somehow I got inspired to go to the internet and I downloaded and printed off some conversation starters. I thought this would be a fun way to kind of redirect these date nights so that we don't talk about those things and we talk about more fun things instead. That was really the goal. Really, the goal was to come back feeling good and not terrible after all of our date nights.

Speaker 2: 6:13

Absolutely, and I remember feeling connected to you because the questions are so inspiring.

Speaker 1: 6:21

Well, they weren't just inspiring, we were having fun with them, we were asking silly questions. I don't know in the beginning, honestly, can't remember specifically, but I imagine in the beginning they were pretty hearted, like if you had a superpower, what would you want it to be, or what would another one be?

Speaker 2: 6:38

Well, I know. Another one was we would always play with it because money is a sinkhole for us. So we would do the opposite. Say, hey, if there was an unlimited amount of money, if you won the lottery, if you won the lottery or if you had to spend $10,000 in two hours, what would you do? And you couldn't spend it on yourself, right, but stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 6:57

Yeah, we would just have fun. We were looking for fun things and I think we started to see like, oh, this is what date night can be. It can actually be fun and we can come back from it feeling connected. So we just kept doing it. We just kept. You would start looking up conversations on your starters on your phone and then, not too long after, when I realized what an impact this was having and I started the married and naked blog, I created date night questions for the blog and then you and I would print those out and we would take those on our date nights.

Speaker 2: 7:30

You know, hold on. I got a pause right there. I got a shameless plug, because that's not why we're doing this, but you just said something that like never dawned on me. You figured out how to help us with appreciation is to take a journal and write words of appreciation to each other. And then you created your own journal. And then we were doing these, downloading anything we can find off the internet, and we're realizing we're gonna come up with better questions. And then you turn around and did the same thing created your own list. I just wanna give you kudos for that.

Speaker 1: 7:59

You're pretty awesome. That's very sweet, but the whole goal of the blog was to share exactly what helped us repair Cause we were in a very, very dark place where we were not sure there was going to be a future. So when we came out of that dark place that was the whole goal of starting the blog was I wanted to tell everybody what worked for us, because maybe it could help other people too.

Speaker 2: 8:23

Sure, sure, you know what I think back these questions. I think part of why they're so connecting for us is because it takes us back to the dating phase. It takes us back when we're just getting to know each other. And it was so exciting just getting to know each other. And even though we may know some of the answers to these, we always kind of dig a little bit deeper on some of these and it's like getting to know each other again, over and over and over.

Speaker 1: 8:50

Yeah, and one thing that people reminded me of some people reminded me of in the comments of this particular video where you change as you go through different phases of your life. So when you and I got married, we were very different people. Then We've had such different experiences in our interests or our likes and dislikes and things like that have changed. So the truth is, many times I think I know the answer, but you surprised me all the time. I learned new things about you all the time and even if I do know the answer, we still like laugh or giggle about it or it inspires this really long conversation.

Speaker 1: 9:25

So back to the reason why we did it it was to really take control of these date nights, to remember that date night is for connection. If you are putting in the time and the effort and the money to go on date night which is precious time, especially when you have little kids at home I understand and we understood how precious that was then make sure that you're protecting that date night, and one of the ways to do that is to make sure that triggers are not a part of the conversation. Now, that doesn't mean that you don't talk about triggers or you don't talk about these important topics? Absolutely, you do, but I personally don't feel like date night is the night to do that.

Speaker 2: 10:08

I'm curious, Tammy, why do you think this was such a triggering post for the other side?

Speaker 1: 10:14

I think this particular list of questions triggered people because they are deep, connecting questions. So I got people saying they were cheesy, or I got people saying I would never want my wife to ask me these questions, or a lot of people who just I feel are very uncomfortable with vulnerability, digging deep, keeping things on the surface, and what I feel really shined through is that a lot of people are very, very unhappy in their marriages and when you bring up personal questions like this that make people think about that unhappiness for instance, the first question being yeah, the first question is where is your happy place?

Speaker 1: 11:06

I think that it brings up a lot of anger for people, a lot of bitterness, and I got a lot of women saying men would their husbands would never answer those questions. I sadly got a lot of women saying their husbands would say don't ask me those stupid questions and many women saying they were just way too uncomfortable. It really triggered so many comments so I just could not believe. And so many people are like thank you, I love this, I'm saving this, I can't wait to do this on our next date night. So I think what it really pinpoint it is if you're asking deep questions like this, it doesn't work for people who are unhappy period. So when I say these can help you fall in love again, people are saying, well, these questions aren't gonna make me fall in love again because I'm bitter and unhappy, and give me a break.

Speaker 1: 12:06

What it is gonna do is help people fall in love again or feel those flutters again. For people who are maybe just feeling disconnected, who love their partner, who maybe miss them, who are just life has gotten crazy and they've got kids going on, these are the kinds of questions for them. They will help you feel more connected to your partner. They will help potentially feel those flutters again. I can't tell you. Several people said why do I tear up when I read these questions? Because they're touching and they either remind you that you love your partner so much and you feel lucky and you want to reconnect, or they remind you of how you wish it was better, you wish it was different.

Speaker 2: 12:51

Yeah, I. Just for those of you that aren't familiar with the post, first of all, definitely go to Instagram.

Speaker 1: 12:57

Yes, it's titled. 10 Questions to Help you Fall in Love Again.

Speaker 2: 13:01

Look for the post that has millions and millions and millions of views. That's what you're gonna find it but-.

Speaker 1: 13:05

Honestly, just Joel and I eating a meal. The questions are listed in the comment or in the description.

Speaker 2: 13:12

But I just want to read to just like three other ones off this. There's 10 questions on this list and I just want to read to you and give my thoughts on this part. What is your ideal date night? What are three things on your bucket list? What do you love most about us?

Speaker 2: 13:27

I mean to me, when I read those questions, my first thought is, like you know, we've done this before. I mean, yeah, I'm sure these are questions you asked me and I've asked you over our relationship. I get excited when I hear those and I want to share them with you and I want to tell you what I love most about us. And I want to talk about our ongoing bucket list we have and where my happy place is and that's like so important for me and I know I'm not the only one out there that feel this way and it really really, really breaks my heart that there's a whole other side that was so just. I mean angry, I mean I'm just going to put it as the easiest word was angry Ugly, really angry and ugly.

Speaker 2: 14:19

Yeah about this. It breaks my heart because I just like, oh my goodness, something's going on to have a list like this trigger those feelings. Yeah, obviously it's not the list, it's what's deep down. It brings up yeah, yeah, what it brings up and it just it makes me so sad.

Speaker 1: 14:40

Yeah, me too.

Speaker 2: 14:41

Yeah too.

Speaker 1: 14:42

It was heartbreaking. It was hard not to. It is hard because I'm still going through comments, but it was hard not to get sucked into the negativity. But I do want to say thank you to all the people who it did feel helpful to and who told me thank you, and that many people who said I took this immediately and went and asked my partner, I printed this out and I'm taking it to their next date night. You know, we had this inspired pillow talk or we had such an amazing conversation with these. Thank you so much. So I'm remembering that there are many people who it is helpful and for those who it brought up a lot of feelings, I really do hope that they find help or let go, or I hope they find their own happiness.

Speaker 2: 15:31

The majority of the comments are very positive, but it's funny how you know you get a thousand.

Speaker 1: 15:37

There were a lot of bad. It's a lot of, okay, I'm gonna be honest.

Speaker 2: 15:41

Maybe the majority weren't cut. They brought up a lot of things, okay, so how can people use these conversation starters to improve or to make better?

Speaker 1: 15:53

Before I get into the reminders if you would like your own copy of these questions, you don't have to go to Instagram for them.

Speaker 2: 16:00

If you don't want to, I put no people should go to Instagram so that they could follow you, because you're dropping fire content.

Speaker 1: 16:07

You're very sweet baby, Thank you.

Speaker 2: 16:09

So go to Instagram right now and follow Mary the Naked, but go ahead. Sorry, I interrupted.

Speaker 1: 16:13

I also am going to put a link to an opt-in where you send me your email and I'll send you a PDF of these questions so you can know what we're talking about. You can print them out. You can take them with you to your next date night if you want. Now, you and I tend to use these on date night, but you can use them at any time. You can use them in any time you wanna spark conversation, or it doesn't have to be date night. That's another thing people would give me a hard time about is because I said it was 10 questions and I said take them on date night, and then people are like that's too many questions, or whatever. So what I wanna say is there's no rules. There's no rules. You use them if you want to. You don't have to use them. You can ask one or two, whatever you wanna do, whatever serves your relationship. That's the goal. This is just what works for us, that I'm sharing. That is not how it has to be.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Well, and I was stating when we started this, I remember in the beginning we couldn't even get to the full list of questions.

Speaker 1: 17:09

Exactly, it just depends. It depends on the questions.

Speaker 2: 17:11

That wasn't the point, to get to all the questions. The point was to connect.

Speaker 1: 17:14

Right. So if you would like your own copy, go to the link. I'm gonna put it in the description notes of this particular episode and you can give me your email and I will send that immediately off to you. So here we go. Three reminders for when using conversation starters. Number one you want to pick a good time. Now we're talking about that right here. We're talking about you and I tend to use them on date night. We use these on date night for two reasons Number one, because it helps us keep the conversation on the two of us. And number two, because we're both feeling good on those date nights. It's a really good time to have these conversations because you and I are in a good place.

Speaker 2: 18:01

Yeah, walls are down. Exactly, Issues are left at home.

Speaker 1: 18:04

Do not ask these questions, or any questions like that, when your spouse is feeling high stress or that you're just kind of doing it out of the blue and suddenly they're feeling like interrogated, or where is this coming from, or what are you trying to get at, or they're getting suspicious. Pick a time that feels good, that feels light. Do you know what I mean? Where it's not heavy. I think when you're in a good mood or you're having fun or you're in a good place, you're gonna be much more open to enjoying the process rather than being skeptical of a process.

Speaker 2: 18:40

Yeah, Just the fact that there's skepticism in this just makes me scratch my head.

Speaker 1: 18:45

But a lot of people said I've been married, let's say, 45 years. Many people I've been married 45 years. I've never asked my spouse questions like these. I'm excited to do that. So I think you and I every couple you live in kind of this little bubble of your world and it's hard to remember that. People work through the world in different ways than you, and that doesn't mean they're an unhappy couple. It just means they just don't communicate the way you and I do. So I think that's okay. I just want everybody to consider when and how you're going about asking these and just make sure we're doing it when people are feeling good and feeling happy and light, and pick good timing. Pick good timing, yes. The second thing to remind you about is and I think the absolute most important thing is that these are not created for you to judge your partner's answers. Let me say that again.

Speaker 2: 19:46

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

Speaker 1: 19:47

They are not created for you to judge your partner's answers. If you have this list in your hand or any conversation starters and you're immediately thinking, oh, I'm probably not gonna like what he says, or I'm gonna argue with what he says, or imagining what he's gonna say and you're arguing with it in your head.

Speaker 2: 20:07

We never do that.

Speaker 1: 20:10

You gotta shut that down, or these just don't even do it, because it will cause an argument. That's not what these are for. These are made to learn, so you can learn more about your partner, so you can feel more connected. They are not created for judgment, they're created for learning. So please remember that, because you will set yourself up for an argument if you're going into it with that purpose.

Speaker 2: 20:35

Yeah, that's a great tip.

Speaker 1: 20:36

We do not judge each other's answers. We'll laugh or giggle or whatever. We do not judge them.

Speaker 2: 20:41

Or question like like oh, tell me more, yeah, tell me more.

Speaker 1: 20:44

Oh, I didn't know that. You know like, why is that? Yeah, Exactly, but not judgment.

Speaker 2: 20:48

Exactly, trying to understand actually the complete opposite. Exactly Like, help me understand that. Like, oh wow, I didn't know that.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Yes, because I guarantee you go in with judgment. It's over, You're not going to have this process again. And if you're going in with judgment, it's a big sign as to how you're communicating and how it might not be working for you. So really pay attention to that. And the third reminder is to have fun.

Speaker 2: 21:13

Heck yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:13

Have fun with them. They're not meant to be an interrogation. So many men were, I feel, so threatened by the idea of their wife bringing these questions to them and maybe that's because their wives tend to interrogate them with questions, I don't know. But please just approach this in a fun, light-hearted way. They're not made to be used as ammunition against your spouse in any way or as proof oh, you don't love me enough or you don't do this right enough. They're just made to be fun. These particular questions are deep, but if these don't work for you, you don't want to ask deep questions. Don't ask the deep questions. Ask fun questions. Go and look for conversation starters that are fun and silly, like the ones you and I were saying in the beginning. Talk about those things. If you need to kind of ease your way into this kind of conversation, this is really uncomfortable for you. You guys have never done this before. Try that. Let's think of five questions, babe, that they can ask each other that are fun.

Speaker 2: 22:19

All right, so five questions. Well, let's go. If we can go anywhere within an hour's drive, where do we go?

Speaker 1: 22:29

I would go for some vegan food, because we have nothing around here.

Speaker 2: 22:32

OK.

Speaker 1: 22:33

Let's say we go to Montes Burgers where they have vegan burgers.

Speaker 2: 22:37

And Riverside? Yes, so locally here, riverside, montes Burgers, boom, go ahead. What do you got for me?

Speaker 1: 22:43

What is one country you've always dreamed of visiting?

Speaker 2: 22:46

Oh, my gosh, Just one. Oh, I just had this conversation with our neighbor Iceland.

Speaker 1: 22:51

Ooh, iceland, iceland, why?

Speaker 2: 22:53

Iceland. Well, the Orel Borealis. Am I saying it right, Orel Borealis?

Speaker 1: 22:59

Orel Borealis.

Speaker 2: 23:00

Absolutely, absolutely. I can't even say absolutely correct. They took a trip there, stayed in ice, igloo and they got to see it 100% on my bucket list. And in that movie with Ben Stiller. What was the name of that movie? Or he, oh Walter?

Speaker 1: 23:14

Middy, walter Middy, where he did the skateboarding.

Speaker 2: 23:17

Oh, beautiful landscape. Yes, so there we go, iceland.

Speaker 1: 23:21

Love that.

Speaker 2: 23:22

OK, by the way, we do not have anything written, we're just firing them off to each other. Ok, what is the most amount of money you've ever had in your pocket, and why? In my pocket, like walking the rest Very little, the most like the most amount.

Speaker 1: 23:42

I imagine maybe a couple hundred dollars one time, you know, like going on vacation I probably stashed like a couple of hundreds in my pocket, like I don't really like I don't feel comfortable walking around with a lot of money.

Speaker 2: 23:54

I can help answer this question for you. Oh really, yes, it was on vacation and I stuffed $400.

Speaker 1: 24:00

Okay, in my back pocket, in your back pocket?

Speaker 2: 24:03

Okay, yes, and that was recently, by the way, oh yes, in another country.

Speaker 1: 24:08

so yes, I like that question.

Speaker 2: 24:10

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:11

Even though I couldn't answer it.

Speaker 2: 24:14

It's okay.

Speaker 1: 24:15

I heard another couple ask this question. I don't know why. I found it entertaining. I think I know the answer to this what is your favorite condiment?

Speaker 2: 24:24

Oh, my favorite condiment. Oh, I wonder if you would know.

Speaker 1: 24:29

I'm gonna guess Okay, give me okay, and then you can tell me if I'm right.

Speaker 2: 24:32

Let me just double check make sure I'm not missing anything. It's just sticking there.

Speaker 1: 24:36

Let's say it at the same time.

Speaker 2: 24:37

Oh shoot, are you ready?

Speaker 1: 24:39

One, two, three Barbecue sauce, ah.

Speaker 2: 24:42

Oh, dude, we're high-fiving, we just high-fived barbecue sauce I knew that one Dang it, that's a good one. Okay, we got one more. One more Gosh. I like that one. Let me do okay, tammy, your favorite movie All Time. All Time favorite movie.

Speaker 1: 25:00

You know, this just isn't a fair question. They're just so many good, romantic.

Speaker 2: 25:04

let me narrow down the category, that's all.

Speaker 1: 25:06

I watch at romcoms.

Speaker 2: 25:08

No, no, I didn't say romcom, I'm gonna say rom-.

Speaker 1: 25:09

They said romantic, Okay, romantic. I did say romcom. Of course it's a romcom.

Speaker 2: 25:12

Okay, I'm gonna guess it and then you think about it for a minute, okay, Ready. Okay, we're gonna say it together.

Speaker 1: 25:20

Yes, oh, that's kind of fun.

Speaker 2: 25:21

All right, ready One, two, three. When Harry and Midsommi go when Harry and Midsommi go. Okay, we're a little corny right now. This has gotten corny.

Speaker 1: 25:31

I'm telling you right now this will be a future post, because this is really fun. This is really fun. Let's do this as a game. Oh my gosh. We did good. So there you go. That's all it needs to be, and that's what we do often. We haven't done that same time. Let's say the same time, but I really like that idea.

Speaker 1: 25:46

I've never done that, but that's all it needs to be. Doesn't have to be deep. If you don't like that, don't do it. If you do do it, do it both. So three reminders Pick a good time, don't judge your spouse's answers, and just have fun. For all of those out there or who are looking for some way to make sure those date nights are more connected, that you're having more fun, that you're taking all the garbage off the table, not letting it penetrate those special times, this is a really good strategy. Conversation starters. Download your free printout. It's in the description. If you have a hard time finding that, go to my Instagram page. It's in my profile link.

Speaker 2: 26:26

But you can only do it if you like it. Like her Instagram page, Sorry same spot.

Speaker 1: 26:30

Oh my goodness, look at him. I'm so proud of you. That'll do it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for all the new listeners I'm so happy to have you here and for all those die hard listeners who have been with us for all these years. I love you guys so much and I'm so grateful for you. And that'll do it. We'll talk to you next time on the Married and Naked podcast. Bye, everybody wegen.