Acceptance VS Settling - Episode 60

Today we are setting the record straight on the debate between ACCEPTANCE and SETTLING.

Let's clear it up now.

Acceptance, as we've discovered, is not about tolerating bad behavior or settling for less, but coming to terms with who your partner truly is. 

In this episode, we are talking candidly about our journey with acceptance and the role it has played in the transformation of our marriage.  

And we are debunking the misconception that acceptance means tolerating disrespect or abuse.  

Finally, we examine the importance of boundaries in relationships.

Settle in for a great discussion on a foundational pillar that saved our marriage. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Married to Naked podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married to Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.

Speaker 2: 0:07

And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.

Speaker 1: 0:13

We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome into the Married to Naked podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:25

Hi, sweetie, hey baby, you coming in hot with a lot of energy. Well, speaking of energy, that reminds me of that post you did today on Instagram about how things that I how did you were to annoy you or frustrate you. Is that what? Oh, you're going to your she's picking up her phone.

Speaker 1: 0:41

No, because you're saying it wrong.

Speaker 2: 0:42

I'm just doing it play by play. She swiped down, now she's going to the Instagram and now go. What does it say?

Speaker 1: 0:48

It says, marriage is loving someone so much that you don't even care that occasionally they are the most frustrating human being in the world.

Speaker 2: 0:56

And, by the way, this is a post where you and I are sitting in a car together and then you go on to say I don't know 150 things. How frustrating I make you, I think I said four things. It felt like 150, and one of them had to do with energy. So that's what made me think that.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Yes, because you wake up with more energy than any normal person should have. It's quite exhausting. You go to bed with energy like that too. How did I wind up with you?

Speaker 2: 1:28

Ah, luck, you lucked out, you lucked out and I lucked out as well. So how are we doing today, sweetheart, Good, good.

Speaker 1: 1:36

So I recently did a post on acceptance and it was essentially you and I just dancing in the kitchen and what I had said was and I'm not reading this, so I won't get that exactly right but I said something to the effect that I fell in love with you again when I was able to let go of judging you for not being exactly the person I wanted you to be and started accepting you for exactly who you are. So essentially, the post was about acceptance, and I talk a lot about acceptance, as you know, when I am oh, I definitely.

Speaker 2: 2:17

Oh, you're talking to them sorry.

Speaker 1: 2:18

No, I'm talking to you. As you know, I do talk a lot about acceptance. It's one of our four pillars that we refer to a lot in what's kept our marriage strong, what helped us heal from really dark times, and I've really come to believe that it's really a vital component of a healthy marriage not just of a healthy marriage, but really of relationships in general. But when I shared that on Instagram, I got a variety of different thoughts about it, so I thought it'd be something important to talk about. One thing I felt was happening was some people really understood what I was trying to get at and others didn't, so I wanna clarify what was behind that post, give our thoughts on acceptance and how that even came about in our marriage, and then how we work within acceptance to set boundaries around what we are and aren't willing to accept. That's a lot I just unloaded on you, cause I know you weren't really knowing what we were gonna be getting ourselves into today. But does that sound okay?

Speaker 2: 3:21

No, I think it's wonderful because if you're a consistent listener of the podcast, you can reference so many of our past episodes. We talk about acceptance. That's one of the four pillars that you completely revamped our relationship. I'm all game for clearing it up, because I think it's very important that people do get this distinction of what acceptance truly is and what it's meant in our relationship.

Speaker 1: 3:45

Let's just give a brief bullet point of the story that brought us to the idea of acceptance in our marriage. One year, many years ago, when you and I were in not great place in our marriage, we were really I'll probably almost, or at bottom and we were at your father's house in Sacramento and we were arguing in the bedroom and we were arguing about something that I wanted to buy a gift for somebody, and we got in this big argument about money, as we typically did at that time. We couldn't talk about money without it being like a point of contention. It led to arguments consistently. So I stomped out of the room during the argument and I went to the bathroom and I was sitting in the bathroom, you know, with the lid down, sitting on the toilet, and I had a really clear thought in that moment.

Speaker 1: 4:39

Our transformation story had several of these kind of epiphanies and I had a very clear epiphany that day, and that epiphany was that I can't change you. I'm never gonna be able to change you, and I realized that like deep in my bones in that moment. And I also realized that we are who we are because of our past and our history and you can share more, but you and I have very different backgrounds when it comes to money. Tell a little bit about your background.

Speaker 2: 5:15

Yeah, my parents separated when I was five and my mom raised two boys on her own and I was five years old and so those first couple of years, or the first year and a half, my mom was on welfare, so we had no money. On top of that, my grandpa talking World War II mentality of scarcity, and so it was always of don't waste your money, penny pinch, don't borrow any money. He built the house that my mom grew up in, never moved and never bought a car and a loan, and you know, I was a teenager and 20 years old as I go on, I understood all that stuff. My point is that I never had any money and so anytime money came into my life, it wasn't ever about spending it, it was always about saving it.

Speaker 1: 6:04

And I grew up differently. My parents were together. They both had very good paying jobs, so as a kid I never really gave much thought to money. Honestly, I don't think money was a problem. If it was, I didn't know about it, and we always went to dinner, Always Friday night dinner was a big deal and we tried different restaurants or we drive far to get to different places to eat together. And we always did big summer vacations and we always had a big, huge Christmas. I mean everything I ever wanted, Not to the level of being able to get you know all the brand names and stuff like that, but that's when we shopped a Kmart, you know. But I didn't lack for anything and I didn't really feel that I didn't. I couldn't have what I wanted. And as a teenager, if I needed money for my car or to go to the movies or whatever, daddy just handed it to me. It wasn't a big deal.

Speaker 1: 7:02

So back to sitting in the bathroom and realizing I'm never gonna change you. The other epiphany at that moment was realizing that we're different, and we're different because of those experiences we had as kids. And as I was sitting there having these epiphanies, I decided at that moment that I had to make a choice. The choice was I either work to continue to try to change you, as I'd been doing, but it wasn't working. It was just creating so much conflict in our marriage. I so desperately wanted you to be like me around money. I wanted you to relax about it. I wanted to be able to go do fun things and spend some money and not have to make it such a big deal all the time. And I just realized it wasn't working like that.

Speaker 2: 7:55

And this is years into our marriage, but I mean, we were together nine years prior to getting married, so there's a lot of baggage that you were dealing with.

Speaker 1: 8:07

Yeah, and the other choice I saw was that I could choose to just let go of trying to change you and I could choose to just accept that this is who you are because of your experiences that you had that are different than mine. And I chose that moment to accept. And I remember I went and sat beside you and you were sitting still in the bedroom, you were sitting on the bed. I sat beside you and I told you my epiphanies I had and that I realized that you are who you are for a reason and that are you. Okay, what do you?

Speaker 2: 8:43

mean, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1: 8:45

You are who you.

Speaker 2: 8:46

You can't even tell. Well, even when you speak, every time you tell this story, I just get this mix of emotions.

Speaker 1: 8:54

Oh, I didn't know that. I'm usually far from you when I'm telling this story. You're on stage talking.

Speaker 2: 8:58

This is the part of your presentation that always just gets me, because it's it's our two worlds coming together and we had to figure it out and I it's the emotion I feel is I'm so grateful you, you figured it out, you fixed our relationship by this part of our relationship, by simply saying you understood me.

Speaker 1: 9:26

Yeah, what I came to you and said was I just realized that I've been trying to change you and I realized that you are who you are. We are who we are for a reason and you grew up in a different way and that brought on a lot of fear and worry about money that you carry with you as an adult. And that is not the same experience that I had, but that those experiences created you to be who you are. They created you to worry about money, but they also created you to be an amazing provider, an incredible husband, and you give everything you have to making sure that we are financially secure and that your kids in your family never have to struggle like your family did.

Speaker 1: 10:18

So when I said that, just like you did just now, you teared up about it and you broke down and you felt terrible and you said I'm so sorry about the argument we had and you said I want you to have everything you ever wanted. I just really worry. You worry deeply about money. And I just said I know and I understand that now, in that whole span, I just suddenly got it. I understood and I decided I'm not gonna try to change that about you. I'm gonna accept this about you and that allowed us to move through this discussion in particular in a very different way and really inspired us to move through many discussions in a very different way.

Speaker 2: 11:11

It was like you were accepting to me and understood how I felt. And then I'm like well, I was able to communicate it to you and I didn't know how to communicate. I know I'd said it before, but I'd said it with anger and I was able to communicate. I just wanna make sure we're okay. I wanna make sure that we don't experience what I witnessed my family experiencing.

Speaker 1: 11:37

That opened me and, in turn, opened you up to seeing things in a different way, and it just changed everything about how we worked through conflict, how we looked at our differences, how we worked to begin to try to understand them and deeply understand them, not just, oh, he is what he is, no deeply Like, really, why is this the way it is? And then work to just let each other be who we are truly.

Speaker 2: 12:14

Yeah, I mean, obviously we still have had issues of money, of course, Always.

Speaker 1: 12:19

Of course, but really we don't argue about money, we disagree. That has never changed. It didn't mean that I then let you just win all the discussions about it, that I let you control everything about money. What it meant was I could approach conversations differently. I could approach those conversations about money from a place of understanding and compassion for what your experience around money is, rather than me coming at you saying why are you the way you are? Why can't you chill out about it? Why can't you be more like me?

Speaker 2: 12:55

And by you approaching those conversations that way, like having that understanding, that level of understanding that I couldn't even grasp, just couldn't even think like that. That's why, when you're on stage, I'm like I well up Because, my goodness, just that level of understanding that you brought to our relationship changed our whole relationship. Because by you bringing that in and having that understanding and thinking about, oh, this has passed, this maybe hurt or whatnot, then it turns me into going. But, honey, I know this is important to you and I'm sorry, my feelings are coming out. I'm sorry my fear is coming to the top.

Speaker 1: 13:34

Because it allows you to feel seen rather than feel attacked. It's a very, very different approach.

Speaker 2: 13:41

I'm sick and tired of being sappy on this podcast.

Speaker 1: 13:44

I'm so sorry You've been crying a lot Lately.

Speaker 2: 13:46

holy mackerel.

Speaker 1: 13:48

So one thing I notice when I speak of acceptance is people will often equate that to settling or giving up on wanting more or having to tolerate bad behavior. So that's really what I wanted, to make sure that I'm clarifying here, and I understand, because we all think of acceptance means we just well, you just accept it is what it is right. So I wanna address the idea of settling, because acceptance does not equal settling. They're two separate things.

Speaker 2: 14:26

It's so funny because when you you'd mentioned you'd had a couple of comments on this post and that brought up the word settling and I was like what the heck are they talking about? Like, I feel like acceptance is about understanding and being there at the spot of understanding for a relationship that I really want to be in.

Speaker 1: 14:47

That's because you and I have addressed the word acceptance in a different way than I think many people think of acceptance. They think of acceptance as meaning it is the way it is, which essentially it is, but the way we've defined it and the way we work through it is different. So I can see their misunderstanding, which is why I wanted to clarify.

Speaker 2: 15:11

I don't know. I just feel like the people that hang on to that phrase of oh, you just settled. They're truly not looking inward and thinking about. In every relationship there's a give and take, there's an acceptance of the other's person's behavior, actions or whatnot.

Speaker 1: 15:24

But there's not always.

Speaker 2: 15:26

There shouldn't If you want to have a successful relationship. That's different.

Speaker 1: 15:30

Doesn't mean there is. We're saying that that's a way to work through a healthier relationship, but that doesn't mean it is, or that people have even. Just like you said, you never even thought about the word acceptance. You never, we never, processed even that idea in our relationship. And had I not come to that random epiphany, we may still be here sitting here butting heads and trying to fix each other into being who we want each other to be, and I think many, many relationships sit in that.

Speaker 1: 16:04

So when you say you need to accept your partner, they think, oh, you're telling me I just need to give up and accept that he's has this bad behavior or he treats me like crap, or she doesn't want me ever, or that's what they're thinking. So I can see that perspective. You see the perspective differently because we've defined it very differently and we practice it regularly and we speak of it regularly, whereas many people, if we think of how we were back then, that's where they're at. So to me, acceptance means seeing the situation or person as they are and letting go of the effort to change them, and one person that I really appreciate their wisdom is Jay Shetty. He was, if you don't know who he was he was a previous monk.

Speaker 1: 17:01

He's now a life coach and I don't know I don't know how he would specifically define himself, but very in tune into relationships. He says people don't change for other people, they change for themselves. And if they don't want to change, they are not changing. So stop trying to change other people. Relationships are more about learning to respect other people's values than they are to make them value what we value.

Speaker 1: 17:31

This is what acceptance is. It's understanding that I don't have the power to change you. You only have that power, and for me, what I really work to do is let go of the desire to change you and I've leaned into understanding and accepting who you truly are. Then, once I've reached that, or once you can reach that place of accepting someone for who they are, you then have power to see truth. When I can do that, it frees me up to love you in a different way, to love you in a more pure way, and it frees me up to see. It frees not just me, but frees people up to see the truth. One person said to me in this post. They commented my question is to what end? My husband never gets up with our child, always sleeps in hours after we've been away cannot handle conflict, tends to yell and cuss at me. I don't want to accept this. She says.

Speaker 2: 18:39

She shouldn't accept that. I'm sorry, was I not supposed to?

Speaker 1: 18:41

say that. No, that's fine. My answer to her was again in this comment. She's implying I'm saying she has to settle for this behavior.

Speaker 2: 18:54

Yeah, oh, do you see that?

Speaker 1: 18:56

You know, what?

Speaker 2: 18:56

I okay, I got it, I got it, I got it. For this person.

Speaker 1: 18:59

I said acceptance does not mean tolerating disrespect or abuse. Never, it's not what I mean and I never want it to be interpreted that way. Acceptance can help you see the truth. It can free you from trying to change someone. You will never change. You cannot change them, only they can.

Speaker 1: 19:19

And if they are choosing not to change and treating you continuously in this way, then acceptance lets you ask the question Knowing this person is who they are and they are choosing not to change. Is this the person I want to spend my life with? You are seeing them for who they are the good, the bad. That's who they are, and when you're able to step back and say I see you for who you truly are, it then gives you power to say are you the person? Am I willing to tolerate, accept the behavior or is this behavior unacceptable and I need to find a move out of this situation.

Speaker 1: 20:06

When I looked at you, acceptance doesn't mean you give in to harmful and disrespectful behavior. The things that I wanted to change about you were not deal breakers, and in marriage there are deal breakers. Some of them are lack of trust, lack of safety, lack of respect. If those aren't present in a marriage, they are or should be deal breakers. Those were not what we were dealing with. Acceptance, then, allows you to set the boundaries for what you won't tolerate or what you will, and if that person that you know, this person that she's referring to her husband, if they choose not to respect those boundaries, then acceptance reminds you that you have the power to change the situation for yourself. It's like seeing things as they are and then giving you the power to make a choice. Is this willing, what I'm willing to sit in and work through or not knowing they are who they are? Does that make sense?

Speaker 2: 21:13

Totally. This is well, and just got proof of why you're so brilliant at this.

Speaker 1: 21:18

It's hard to explain in words, even though I understand it in my head. You know, Right, right.

Speaker 2: 21:23

You know, I think most people probably do understand it too. I'm sure the majority of your comments correct me if I'm wrong. Majority of your comments were like understanding it. Oh, this is great.

Speaker 1: 21:34

So seeing someone for who they truly are doesn't mean you have to put up with them, doesn't mean you have to settle for them. It just means that you see them and you understand. You're not in control of their behavior.

Speaker 2: 21:47

So is it fair to say if you don't like the behavior, you understand it, you see it. You don't like it and you still deal with it.

Speaker 1: 21:55

That's settling Sure, but let's talk about yes, yes, but let's talk about if you see them for who they are and what you're seeing is disrespect and abuse and you understand you can't and won't be able to change that, then you then have the power to take control and put yourself in a healthier situation. Outside of that, sitting back and hoping that person is going to change is not acceptance. They are who they are. You cannot fix them. If you sit back and see who they are and you love them and none of the behaviors are deal breakers for you whatever your deal breakers are and they're just things that really bug you or you butt heads about, then you can decide what things you need to set boundaries around Some situations that come up with this acceptance thing. Really, my thought and advice is they need to put themselves in a healthier situation. It strikes chords of disrespect and abuse when people speak to this. I don't want to accept this. In my life that's often coming up. That is fine. Don't accept it, move on. That would be my advice for many of the situations.

Speaker 1: 23:17

For most of us, that's not the situation we're in and we need to learn to understand these differences that we have, accept these differences and learn to work within them. That's what most of us are dealing with, and acceptance doesn't mean you never ask for what you want. Of course you do. It just means you stop trying to force this other person into your mold. The goal is to be able to work through setting and respecting boundaries. So let's talk about boundaries. We're kind of going through the funnel of acceptance and understanding, seeing them really where they're at. Is this person who I want to spend my life with? And if the answer is yes, then what are the boundaries that we need to set up? Because setting boundaries in marriage is important and it's something that you and I have learned as we've gone on. People think of the word boundaries and you suddenly think I can't do this.

Speaker 2: 24:16

I should do this. I need to do this.

Speaker 1: 24:18

You think like it's very restrictive. Yes, that's right. That's not really what we're referring to as far as boundaries. But let's talk about respecting boundaries or what they mean exactly. Some of the examples of boundaries During arguments our boundaries that we really work to check our defenses at the door stay respectful. If arguments go beyond that, we need to take a break, start again at a later time. Our boundaries around intimacy is that we are understanding and respecting that we are both different in our desire levels and one person's view is not more important than the other. Your desire versus not having as much desire doesn't mean you get to win and we go all the way your way. Our expectation is that we are both working together to find a happy medium where we can both be satisfied with our sex lives. These are examples of boundaries that we set and we didn't specifically say these are our boundaries, but we certainly can.

Speaker 2: 25:17

You brought up sex and our different sex drives and I know that is a topic that so many people super struggle with including us 100%.

Speaker 1: 25:28

That changed when I began to respect and understand the fact that you have a high drive Instead of me, because what I constantly was trying to do is hope and wish that that would change about you and have you be more like me or stop needing so much and stop being who you were and I felt the exact same.

Speaker 2: 25:50

And that is at one point. You'll have a high sex drive and you'll want more. You're trying to change that about me Trying to change that about you, and so when you bring the acceptance part of who I am to the equation, it's so hard for me to not go. I accept you, meaning.

Speaker 1: 26:05

I get you. I understand I'm not trying to change that about you. I understand that is who you are and you understand I am different than you and that's okay.

Speaker 2: 26:15

Let me ask you this Do you feel like people are really gonna struggle with this? Because when you did this, you gave no thought to oh, I'm gonna do this for him, so he needs to start doing this for me. That was not how you brought that to the situation, but I feel like a lot of people expect that to happen. I'm gonna accept him, so he has to accept me, or I'm gonna accept her. She has to accept me, and I feel like maybe that's a setup for a failure.

Speaker 1: 26:55

Well, I think if you're setting any expectations up, you're setting yourself up for a very dangerous path. Expectations are really dangerous in marriage, but for me and when we were working through everything, all the things were just things I honestly truly were working on to improve myself. I didn't in turn hope to have you somehow follow suit. It was just me. I was just really wanting to be the better version of me and with that it kind of had a ripple effect to where you also wanted to work on the same things when you noticed they were making a difference. So I think if you're setting, if that's in your mind, you're already setting yourself up for failure. The goal is to just work on yourself, I think, being the best version of yourself that you can be.

Speaker 1: 27:47

However, you can talk about these boundaries. You can talk about these things, and I think the best place to start is to start with what are your deal breakers? Has it down and have a discussion together and talk about what are the deal breakers in your marriage, what are the things that you absolutely cannot let go of. They are a must for you. Talk about those, write those down. Then you start to talk about what are the boundaries within those musts. For instance, even though we haven't said this is a boundary, we know this is a boundary. If I don't make an effort for physical intimacy, if you don't feel like there is some effort on my end towards physical intimacy, that's a deal breaker for you. You want to feel loved in that physical way. Am I right there?

Speaker 2: 28:43

Yeah, you're right, it's so hard. It's like when you say it like that, I was like, oh geez, that sounds really harsh.

Speaker 1: 28:48

But I don't mean it harsh.

Speaker 1: 28:50

I just mean that that's a truth for you, that and we've been through this because so that we know this is an actual deal breaker, because it almost broke us on both ends If you're in a relationship where you don't feel physically loved and again I'm not putting any kind of like number on this or anything I'm saying if you don't feel that from me or effort from me in some way, that's a space where you're then deciding or would decide or had in the past. Is this what I want? Is this the relationship I want? If I don't feel loved because you feel loved most through physical intimacy other ways as well, obviously, but that's what that comes down to for you.

Speaker 2: 29:38

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:39

And for me, if I don't feel loved and it took me a long time to put this into words but if I don't feel loved in ways outside of physical intimacy, that's a deal breaker for me. That led me to asking is this what I want? I'm not getting what I need. So that's an example of boundaries that we've learned. We need to understand and respect that.

Speaker 1: 30:06

Physical intimacy is really important to you it's important to me too, but not at the same level as you. And emotional intimacy, intimacy outside of the bedroom is important to me, it's important to you too, but not at the same level. So we've learned that we have to understand that about each other, accept that those things are important to each other and then know hey, if we want to be in this relationship, we have to. Then work together to somehow meet in the middle on those needs Doesn't mean I gotta come all the way your way or you gotta come all the way mine. It means that we understand and respect this and we gotta find our way to a happy medium, understanding this important boundary in our marriage.

Speaker 2: 30:51

Yeah, versus knowing this about each other and we're not getting it from each other and choosing to stay in the relationship. That would mean the definition of settling.

Speaker 1: 31:03

Exactly, truly, truly like being with somebody. If you were somebody who wasn't willing to put in the effort, wasn't willing to see my side, if I wasn't willing to understand that about you and just stuck in, well, suck it up, you know, like, oh well, you're not doing what I want you to do, so you're not gonna get it. Yeah, if you're staying in that place and you're both unhappy and you're unwilling, or somebody's unwilling, to do the work, then yeah, that is settling, which is still a choice.

Speaker 2: 31:35

Yeah, still a choice. And this is the great thing about this podcast what you teach how you help people. Because when we were going through this, before you could make the argument that we were settling with each other because we didn't know all of this stuff behind it. We didn't understand that this is what you truly need. And then, when we'd share it with each other, we each had our hands over our ears, going like I'm not listening, you're not giving it to me, I'm not giving it to you, you know.

Speaker 1: 32:07

So we were settling in a way, and then you we were stuck in a lot of bitterness and resentment that made us unwilling to hear anything. So if we just go back to a quick example around communicating about money, the way I can approach it differently is I can say, if we're needing to talk about it, I can say babe, I understand when we talk about big purchases it scares you and it can cause a lot of anxiety for you, and I really get that. But we have to find our way to happy medium around purchases for Christmas. We have a lot coming up and I just wanted to talk to you about it and see how we can kind of find our way to a happy medium so we're both happy.

Speaker 2: 32:46

Isn't it incredible, like if you, just if somebody came to you and talked about your biggest fear or one of the biggest fears, you walked around and said that to you? Would it not be disarming? I mean, it's such a disarming statement because you're telling me in that statement you understand my fears, you understand how I feel, but you also have a need that we need to think about and work towards.

Speaker 1: 33:11

Yes, I'm still expressing that I want something. This is important to me, but we're going to do it in a way that comes from a place of understanding and me accepting that this is hard for you and that's okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 33:25

So that's a perfect example of why we don't have big fights over money anymore. Because of the way you frame things now and the way we talk about it now, because of this understanding to what we still disagree, of course and in that conversation I could disagree.

Speaker 1: 33:40

I could, but and I'm not always perfect at that, but I am much quicker, especially around money, to find my way to that space.

Speaker 2: 33:49

You're pretty darn perfect. You really are. You know you are. I mean it's, and I'm bragging for you because I'm the one who's on the other end going yeah, this is a fear, this is terrible, but man, she's, she makes so much sense and okay, what do we do? Tell me, how do we do this?

Speaker 1: 34:06

I just want to say that this is really deep and complicated work and there has to be emotional maturity in order to be able to do this, in order to be able to find your way to acceptance, in order to be able to work through challenges the way I just gave examples of, and you really have to have a partner, like I have, who was willing to hear that and who was willing to receive that and who was willing to reciprocate in his own way, the fact that you were able to just do your own work, to see that for yourself, to be aware enough of your own work that you needed to do. That's why we're here, because if it's a one-sided relationship, it just doesn't work. It just doesn't.

Speaker 2: 34:59

Well, you would be settling, Settling.

Speaker 1: 35:02

If your spouse and I hear this a lot if your spouse is the person who is not willing to work on the relationship, they just don't seem to care or put in the effort. Acceptance means you see that about them, you're not trying to change them into being somebody they're not. They're not suddenly going to be somebody who cares and who puts in the work and just doing it all and it's like 100% in. That's not who they are. So you're seeing that You're stopping to try to that effort you've been putting in to try to fix and change them and then you're in a place of power where you get to choose. How are you you specifically moving through this relationship, moving out of the relationship? What choices are you making with this information? Maybe I just wrapped it up with that.

Speaker 1: 35:56

Maybe that just made sense right then and there.

Speaker 2: 35:57

That was the pin on it.

Speaker 1: 35:59

So talk about your deal breakers which ones are you not willing to give up on, which ones can you be more flexible on? And then come to some agreements about these deal breakers. What are the consequences if we're breaking these boundaries? Like I said, if we need to take a break, if we're not making any effort, our boundaries are. We already know. We've been at this point where we're not going to make it. If we're not making the effort. We know that.

Speaker 1: 36:24

So, and then it's really working to be accountable and understand that you're a team, you're working together to respect these boundaries. And if you're really struggling in this space, reach out for help. Talk to a therapist to help you work through this acceptance phase, to work through setting boundaries in your relationship, speaking for what you want, working as a team to reach this level of understanding of each other. To wrap it all up, acceptance isn't settling. I'm not settling for you. I'm understanding you and I'm respecting that. You're your own person and we work together to meet each other where we are, and we also work together to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, not because someone's you're trying to force me into some kind of mold, but because we love each other and we both agree that this relationship is important and it's worth it.

Speaker 2: 37:23

Absolutely, that's it.

Speaker 1: 37:25

I hope I that was a really long-winded way to come to an understanding of acceptance, but I feel it is a complicated thing. You'll hear about acceptance in Buddhism. You hear it in many different kinds of religious or spiritual kind of talks. It's a very, very important concept and for us it's been vital to the health of our relationship. So I urge you to work to understand your partner. I urge you to really lean in and choose acceptance and then build your boundaries from there. Hope you all understand that. Please send us emails if you have any questions about this, if you're wondering anything specific about this or you have ideas that you'd like us to address in the future, and head on over to Instagram. You can see I'm putting up daily posts on our marriage, on what makes it work and what hasn't worked, and some fun stuff too, and I guess that'll do it for today. Babe. Thank you so much for being here and being an awesome partner, not only on this podcast but in life.

Speaker 2: 38:38

Thank you, baby, you're the best I love you. You're the best, love you.

Speaker 1: 38:41

And we'll talk to you next time on the Married and Naked Podcast. Bye, everybody.