The Big Question Most Couples Want To Answer - Naked Quickie - Episode 49

In this Naked Quickie episode of the Married to Naked Podcast, Joel poses the question, " How do couples manage different levels of sex drive?"

Tammy shares her personal experience and wisdom on the topic, highlighting the importance of understanding and accepting each other's desire differences. She also recommends the resource which helped her to better understand the biology behind desire and had a dramatic impact on her own sex life. 

The episode offers valuable insights and practical tips for couples looking to find a balance in their relationship when it comes to varying sex drives.

Transcript

Naked Quickie - The Big Question Most Couples Want To Answer

[00:00:00] Sometimes we only have time for a quickie, so here it is your naked quickie.

Welcome in to the Married to Naked Podcast, the Naked Quickie edition. Tammy, how you feeling today? I'm doing okay. How are you feeling? That's the question little under the weather today, but what's going on? We, I just have a little stomach bug. I, we went and did a filming at about 10 different locations in one day.

I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not really, and I'm paying the price. Two days later. I don't think it had anything to do with you filming. I think you have a stomach bug that you got from your niece who was sitting next to you. She's off spring break and she was filming with us and she got the same thing now that I have, or I have the same thing now that she had.

Yeah, but I thought it was because we ate hot dogs, cookies, solu bowls. And sandwiches. A multiple. I mean, it was a crazy day, crazy days that would do it. But I think you actually have a stomach bug of some kind. So I'm hoping you stay away from me and don't give it to me, . [00:01:00] Well, we're very close to each other in this studio, so let's get going as we, we don't wanna waste time.

We gotta get to the quickie. Are you ready? Maybe . I don't know what you're gonna throw at me. So, as a part of the Naked Quickie series, we're just gonna be hearing Tam's wisdom on thoughts and ideas and posts and comments that get sent to us. We're gonna turn the tables in the spotlight on you, Tammy, and ask you a couple questions.

Or in this case, one question that has come up multiple times. Are you. I guess so you have the deer in the headlights before, because I don't know what you're gonna throw at me. It makes me nervous. I love it when the tables get turned. All right. So I don't know if I'll have the answer and it makes me nervous or that'll have any thoughts or wisdom on it.

You definitely do. Okay. So this is one you hear all the time. How do you manage the different levels of sex drive between spouses? Okay, well, we've definitely done a whole episode on this one, so [00:02:00] I would recommend. People go and check out that episode because you and I went. Depth and detail on it because it's been a personal issue for you and I, we have different, I, I guess, desire levels.

Let's make this a little bit more relevant to a conversation you were recently having with somebody, and that is my level is much lower than my spouses. Much, much lower. What would you recommend the couple do when it comes to figuring out balance in the relat? ? Well, I think the first place to start is to really work on understanding each other.

A lot of times when that's happening, a lot of judgment is being thrown around. At least that's what was happening to us. I was judging myself for not having a, as much of a drive as you thinking something was wrong with you all the time. Yes. I, you were judging me for not having as much of a drive as you, and [00:03:00] so we just kind of figured something.

Wrong with me and that I didn't have the same as you. But through years of doing a lot of research and a lot of inner work for myself, I have realized that women and men and people just in general have different drives. Everybody has a different drive than other people. So most couples are gonna probably run into this type of challenge, whether it be the woman who has a higher drive than the man, which there is a probably a.

Of the percent of women out there, that is the situation. Or the man having the higher than women, which is mostly what we hear, which was what we had in our relationship. So one of the things we had to do was learn to stop judging the fact that I didn't have the same. Drive is you and I needed to stop judging you for having a much more drive than me.

And we had to kind of come to an understanding of desire, how it works, the kind of the biology [00:04:00] behind it. And I did that through a book, and I've mentioned this many, many times, but I did that through a book by Emily Na Gosky called Come As You Are. I, I think you should be getting royalties on this book at this point cuz you talk about it a lot.

I think it really. Our sex life dramatically. Because of that, it helped me feel like there's nothing wrong with me. My desire is very normal, and we just need to learn to ex accept and understand that about each other. And then once you have that acceptance and understanding, then the idea is how do you work to kind of find a middle ground that's gonna work for both of you?

So how are you with the high sex drive Gonna come my way a little bit. And how are, how am I with the lower sex drive gonna come your. a little bit, and that's exactly what we work on doing. If we only did it when I wanted to, then we wouldn't probably be doing it very often. And if we did it only when you wanted to, we would be doing it daily for sure.

we went through much of our relationship, me feeling like I had to come all the [00:05:00] way your way, which made me feel a lot of resentment that I was doing. Everything you wanted me to do and my cup, which gets filled in different ways, wasn't getting filled. So we had to really work to kind of figure out where are we understand that about each other, understand the biology behind desire for men and women.

And I think when you heard that and understood that, that was very impactful for you as like, , she's not broken. This is normal. It really helped us stop blaming each other for our differences and really work to a sense of understanding and compassion. And then when we got to that, then we could start working on strategies to where, how we're gonna meet in the middle.

And for us, that meeting in the middle often involves. Some kind of scheduling or planning ahead of time so that you don't feel like you have to chase me and I don't feel like I have to be chased. [00:06:00] We prioritize making sure we're meeting in the middle. I'm working hard to meet your needs and you're working hard to meet my needs, and in that we're much happier to meet each other's needs because we're feeling full.

We're feeling taken care of. And therefore I'm much more willing and happy to take care of you. So I really encourage people to do some deep dive into desire and how that works, because most often it is the woman with the less desire, and if the man and the woman have an understanding of why that is of how our bodies work, I think that's a really good place to.

Yeah. So couple quick notes. First of all, it's episode 23. If you want to go ahead and di, like Tammy said, deep dive into that episode. The difference is, and how to figure out how to come to this balance and understanding. But I will say this to, to put a button point on. What you just said, and that is, I remember when you were going through this [00:07:00] book and you were really saying, Hey, this is speaking to me in a, in a way that no other book had spoke to me.

It was during that time period where I had heard another podcast where I had heard for the very first time in my life in all relationships. There's going to be one person that has a higher level and there's gonna be one person that has a lower level. And I remember they go, whoa, okay. So there's nothing wrong with us.

We just needed to figure out how to find that balance, which is what you're talking about. Right. And I think for me it was understanding, cuz when you think of the word drive, it feels like. There's some kind of engine that's supposed to be going right. It's supposed to be working, and if it's not there, something's not working.

But what I learned is that for many of us, drive isn't the right word. I feel like desire is the right word and desire. Arises for everybody in different ways and for many, many women, desire arises after intimacy begins. So I was [00:08:00] expecting it to show up. You're expecting it to show up. It's not showing up.

It only shows up when we actually begin intimacy together. And then it is for me and, and when we began to understand that, that's very normal and that's just how I work. that changed everything and that was okay with you, and it was okay with me and suddenly, oh, we're, everything's okay. We just need to work within our differences.

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, there you go, guys. That is a naked quickie. Oh, that's a hard one, baby. That is a, well, hey, I'm, this is what people ask you or to bring to you or talk to you about all the time. Yeah, time and time again. Absolutely. Thank you for tuning in to The Married To Naked Podcast. Bye everybody.