The F@#!-It List - Episode 65

In this episode, we introduce the bold concept that is helping Tammy rediscover herself and her dreams.

We share how Tammy has spent most of her life putting herself on the back burner to help Joel and the kids reach their dreams.  Decades of this left her lost and feeling like she was a sailboat without wind.

But that has all changed.

Tune in to learn what changed everything for Tammy and how Joel is supporting her in her newfound purpose and direction.  

And discover a fresh idea to help us all chase our dreams like our time is limited. Because it is.

*** Update*** Since recording this episode Tammy has checked another thing off her list.  How to make focaccia :)  !!!!

Check out the reel that inspired Tammy to change everything.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cwx-L_lL_yn/

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Introduction
• 19:00 Reflections on Turning 50 and Facing New Challenges
• 35:00 Creating Your Own “Fuck It” List for Life

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married and Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.

Speaker 2: 0:07

And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.

Speaker 1: 0:13

We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast. Hi everybody, hi everybody, hi, sweetie, how are we today?

Speaker 2: 0:27

We are doing dandy today, my love.

Speaker 1: 0:30

Dandy, dandy. Okay, that's a word no one uses anymore.

Speaker 2: 0:35

Well, I'm old, so why not that's?

Speaker 1: 0:37

true, we are old, we are old.

Speaker 2: 0:39

Gosh, dang it. You know what? We didn't even talk about celebrating our 50th birthday last year. You and I are now in our half a century mark. We hit our 50th birthday last year.

Speaker 1: 0:54

Yeah, I have nothing to say about that.

Speaker 2: 1:04

Yeah, you know it's funny, when we turned 50, I was excited about being 50 just because I felt vibrant and I was still felt young and I still played basketball and I still do really all the things I love doing. You, on the other hand, had a different perspective.

Speaker 1: 1:13

I just feel it's scary getting older. I live in a lot of anxiety that you don't necessarily live in. So getting older means our kids are going to be moving out soon. In fact, our daughter will probably move out in the next few months and, you know, our son is not too far behind. So we're close to empty nesters and our family is older. Our parents are older. I worry about disease and what it's going to mean for us when we're 70 and 80, which doesn't seem very far away now. It feels overwhelming to me and scary.

Speaker 2: 1:42

Yeah, I mean, when I think of it like that, how you just word it all. Yeah, it does sound like it sucks. Okay, I was just thinking about being 50 years old still being able to hoop on some kid who's 19 years of age and walk off the court saying, hey, you just got beat by a senior citizen bro.

Speaker 1: 1:58

You're not quite senior, Well.

Speaker 2: 1:59

I'm sorry, 55, right.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Or did we start getting AARP?

Speaker 2: 2:04

We did. We got AARP last year before we were 50. Anyways, to me that was the exciting part. But you know what's interesting, though? Because the older we get, the more we realize how important days, months, years and what we do with our time truly is.

Speaker 1: 2:24

Yeah, it feels short and fragile and precious.

Speaker 2: 2:30

And obviously we have different experiences on this journey, but as a couple, a lot of it we experienced together. You know how we're looking at things, how we're attacking things, and you've kind of taken a different road of how you want to attack your next few years.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Well, I said on the last podcast episode that a few months ago I was feeling very burnt out and very overwhelmed and then we turned 50 and it all was kind of happening at the same time. It's probably just a flat out midlife crisis they would call it, but it is a lot related to midlife actually, because this past year I started going through menopause, I'm dealing with hormone stuff, turn 50, we're dealing with aging parents. It's like all of a sudden, this stuff has just hit us so hard Empty nesters soon.

Speaker 1: 3:26

Like that's right around the corner. It's hit really hard and I know many of you relate, have been there or are there with us. It's very overwhelming to me, very scary. So I decided I was going to take a little step back and try to figure out what I want my next half century to be be, if I'm so lucky.

Speaker 1: 3:44

And I happened to come across this Instagram reel of a guy showing all these things that he was doing, like on a bucket list kind of thing, like he was jumping out of a plane and he was running and I don't remember all the other things, but this reel caught my attention. I was like, oh, what's this guy doing? And he was saying that he had made a list of 100 things. And so a young guy not middle aged like me, a young guy but he made a list of 100 things that he wanted to do and he was going to do it in the next five years. So he was checking these things off of his list. So I went and did a little research. You know I'm following him trying to figure out what this guy's all about. I don't know why. I just felt like I needed to pay attention to what he was saying and realize that he is the creator I guess I don't know what you call this, but of what he calls, and pardon my language, and I'm going to say this throughout the whole.

Speaker 2: 4:43

Are we going to get an explicit rating on this?

Speaker 1: 4:46

We've done it before but not necessarily because of language, because of content, we are married and naked baby.

Speaker 2: 4:51

Yes, Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1: 4:52

But I am going to say this throughout. So if you have kids listening or whatever probably not if it's a married and naked right, you don't have kids listening to this. Anyway, he has created what he calls the fuck it list, so I'm sorry, is that with a B or an F?

Speaker 2: 5:05

It's with an F. Okay, continue on.

Speaker 1: 5:08

The fuck it list. He calls it that instead of a bucket list because he says the bucket list essentially is things you want to do before you die. And most people make the list and then they don't do the things. And the fuck it list is, you know, like fuck it, I'm just gonna do it. And he puts a deadline on it. So for him the deadline was five years and he's got 100 things and some of them are just like these wild, crazy things and some are just small things, whatever he wants to do before he dies. But he's gonna do it in the next five years and and then, when he's done with those, he's going to create another fuck it list. So essentially, you're taking life by the horns and not letting it pass you by and not doing the things you say you always want to do. You're actually doing those things.

Speaker 1: 5:52

So I felt incredibly inspired. I joined his free community and I created my own fuck it list. He did like little videos that show how to do it list. He did like little videos that show how to do it and super easy. But I went by myself on a little getaway for like two or three days and I created my list. I've got like 120 things on there. When I went I I honestly, on the drive to my little getaway I was like I have no idea what I'm going to put on. I don't think there's anything. I don't know what I want to do with my life or anything I want to do, and then I left with like 120 things. So I put it on this big poster board, as you know, and it's hanging in our bathroom so that I see it multiple times a day.

Speaker 2: 6:38

And we see it.

Speaker 1: 6:39

And I put I had to put a deadline on it, as as he tells us to do, and that deadline is really tight. That's the whole point. He doesn't want you to give forever. And so it's five years, and now I'm working on checking things off my bucket list and really that's a huge part of my focus right now, and it feels good to have direction and purpose and they're little things that I'm starting with.

Speaker 2: 7:03

Yeah, you know what I got to say. A couple of things. It's really sexy seeing you cuss like that. Second of all I just learned I want to say it was on Armchair Expert, the whole term bucket list. Did you hear that?

Speaker 1: 7:14

I did that. It was from the movie I did not know that. I didn't know that either.

Speaker 2: 7:22

I just figured it was a guest and he was saying oh yeah, they created the term for the movie bucket list with him and Jack Nicholas. I always get him, Thank you. I always get him in the golfer mixed up and now the term is unanimous.

Speaker 1: 7:34

Everybody uses it.

Speaker 2: 7:35

Yeah, so anyways, I thought that was fascinating.

Speaker 1: 7:38

Yeah, it is yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:40

And it's weird because I created a bucket list years ago. I didn't call it a bucket list. I said 100 things I want to do before I die and that was from Tim Ferriss and I think I've knocked off about 40 of them.

Speaker 1: 7:52

Which that puts you in a very small percentage of people that actually work at crossing things off their list.

Speaker 2: 7:59

But to be fair, I had a completely. So, if I'm self, what do you call that?

Speaker 1: 8:06

Self Telling on yourself, yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:07

If I'm telling on myself, uh, I had an unfair advantage because we were filming a TV show. We did a kid's TV show for many, many, many years that you were the host of. I was the host of curiosity quest. You guys can look at it. I'm super proud. Tammy was a producer on it and I was the host of it.

Speaker 1: 8:22

And still airs on Amazon and no new episodes, but our old shows do yes we did 252 episodes.

Speaker 2: 8:29

All that to say.

Speaker 1: 8:30

I got to travel around the country and do incredible things, things that most people would never be able to do, like you had access to places most people would don't have right access to, like how they make the. You're one of your favorite shows in the Louisville Slugger bats. Like you went into the factory and got to see the whole process Like got the whole Babe Ruth's bat. Yeah, you had some incredible experiences and access to dream things.

Speaker 2: 8:59

I mean film in Hawaii, film in Alaska, I mean. So all that to say. I kind of had an unfair, if I'm being fair. So a lot of the things I crossed off were as a result of oh, I always want to go here, do this meet, this, experience this, and I got to cross those off. But the way you have this list is so inspiring. It really is what's inspiring? It's inspiring because we know that's about each other. Like I, every year, I january 1st or in that time frame, I always sit down and write goals for things I want to accomplish and want to do, and I feel very goal oriented, always have been like you write down goals, yeah and I don't, at the end of every year, accomplish all of the goals, but I'm pretty focused and I'm pretty like, like you said, goal-driven, goal-oriented, whereas you've never been that.

Speaker 1: 9:50

And it's not-. I've tried to be like you.

Speaker 2: 9:51

I'm just not like that, yeah, and it's not a bad, not good or bad. I've said this to you many years in the past. I kind of feel like it works against you because you are looking at how I am and what I do and you're trying to do that and it's not how you were built Right, whereas this, what you wrote down, what you have on that list, this is exactly what you've needed for a very long time. Yeah, so it's super inspiring and I, if I look at it like you, even asked me oh, you want to create yours, and I'm like, nah, I'm, I'm good, I feel like I've done so. Even the things I didn't do on my list Some of them, I've already made the decision Like I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to ride a Harley from one coast to the next, because now I know all the dangers of being on a motorcycle. When I wrote that I didn't want, to father.

Speaker 2: 10:40

I wasn't a father and I didn't know two other fathers that have died on a motorcycle. So just to give reference of why some of that's changed, and there's a couple of things else on there on my list like that.

Speaker 1: 10:53

So anyways, I think that is a very interesting difference between you and I, in that I feel like my life has been so focused on you and helping your dreams come true and our children, like that's been my sole focus. So, even like the work that we do, it's been so much because it's been dreams of yours and I want to support those. And so I do work for you, to support your dreams, and I've never really been good at figuring out well, what do I want to do, what do I want, what do I like, what work makes me feel good? And Now that we're in that middle life phase, I so feel this pressure to figure it out, whereas you got to do all that.

Speaker 2: 11:38

Right.

Speaker 1: 11:39

You did everything you pretty much ever wanted to do before 50. And now, after 50, you're looking at it as a different way. So you're not like, on this rush to be like, okay, I got to do all these things. Most people feel the clock ticking like, oh crap, I got to get this done. That's how I feel. And you're like, oh crap, I got to get this done. That's how I feel. And you're like, oh, I've done it all. Now I'm figuring out what is the second half look like when I'm not doing it all, Because I've done it all, you know. So it's a really interesting juxtaposition between you and I, and my hope now is that your focus is then and you've already shown this to be true but then on helping me check off all the things I want to do. And so you sit in the bathroom and you look at my list too. You're like, okay, so when are we going to do this?

Speaker 2: 12:25

You're referencing the conversation we literally had last night.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Yeah, yes.

Speaker 2: 12:29

Like Ooh, so can we work on this right now? And you were like hey, honey, this is my list, Right?

Speaker 1: 12:35

but a lot of the things obviously in well, a good portion of them involve you, obviously, because you're my husband, so all of the travel which I have massive amounts of travel that I want to do obviously include you, you know so, anyway. So I've got this big list and I'm I picked a handful of things that I'm working on. Some are very small, like learn to make focaccia bread.

Speaker 2: 13:01

But don't diminish that. Remember you put that on there because it's something you've always wanted to do, but you never made the time for you to actually do it, Right.

Speaker 1: 13:12

Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2: 13:14

So I'm sorry I'm not just trying to. I don't want somebody to listen to that and go, oh, how ridiculous is that? Yeah, but when you look at your life and how it's structured, it's like something you've never been able to do.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Yeah, but little things like that do feel small, like I only crossed one thing off my list so far and that was to clean out my closet, because that's been literally something I needed to do for years and that felt good to cross it off. I got it done and now I'm moving on to other things. Some are big, like work towards getting in the best shape of my life. Some are little, like improving my flossing, but really, in the grand scheme of things that's pretty big, you know.

Speaker 2: 13:57

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 13:58

And I'm learning to play piano. I've been doing that for a few months with my sister, so I've got a few things that I'm working on at a time and it's going to take me a long time and I don't know that I'll cross off all these things. But the point is that I now have this sense of direction and purpose for myself, which feels really exciting and something I've never felt in my whole life, something like that for me.

Speaker 2: 14:25

Yeah, I mean, I could truly attest that, because you, for years, you've always been that like I don't know what I want to do. I love that you found this, what I want to do. I love that you found this and I'm telling you, if you're anything like Tammy, you're there to serve everyone else around you and maybe you feel like you're missing out on serving you. I'm telling you this has been such a great transformation for you.

Speaker 1: 14:51

Well, I mean, it's only been like a few, no, no, but Like a month or so.

Speaker 2: 14:55

But it's the transformation of your focus to where you're not. You know I've said this, so you're like in a dead calm out in the ocean and the boat's not moving at all.

Speaker 1: 15:05

Yeah, that's exactly how I felt.

Speaker 2: 15:06

Your sails are now full and you got wind behind you now and you're talking I mean, just last night we out date, date night last night and you know you're talking about like oh, piano, and how you've you know again, you can't, you can't brush that aside, that you've been doing it now for ever since you started the list and you're being consistent in a couple months.

Speaker 2: 15:27

Yeah, and it's not just going to the lesson, you're actually practicing each day, you know. And then the the fun thing that you you recently put on your checkoff I don't know if you want to talk about it, but your party, that you have for yourself every day- well, I'm doing five minutes of dancing a day.

Speaker 1: 15:45

It's fantastic. My goal is to do that for a solid year, but I have to start somewhere.

Speaker 1: 15:51

So really I'm working on incorporating habits and so I'm working on five minutes a day of dancing, which I feel really silly doing. But I do find that and the reason I'm doing it is because I've seen research and I've seen other people say, like moving your body, jumping up and down for like five minutes, and it energizes you and it changes your mental state and all that. So I feel like it's a good move towards being the best version of myself, being healthy mentally.

Speaker 2: 16:24

So anyway, yes, I know you just started. All I'm trying to say is you can help out any marriage. You can help out any human that comes to you and ask for help. But sometimes for you to help yourself has been really hard, and the reason for that is is, like you've said, you lack direction. You didn't know what you want to do, you don't know how to do it, and now you have a focus. And that focus isn't just a fleeting thing. It wasn't like oh, I wrote it one week and I feel great, and then the week goes by and you kind of forget it. No, you're like you've got a checklist now that making sure you're doing multiple things every day and it's giving you, it's added, a little joy to your life that you desperately need it for you, not for anyone else, for you, so it's so cool. All that to say, I'm telling you, if you are anyone like Tammy, this is something you might want to do, or not.

Speaker 1: 17:14

If you just have things that you want to do in your life and you're tired of procrastinating, yeah, this is a great way to do it. I can post a link to this gentleman's instagram because I'm all about. I think really everybody should do this and you're a rare person because you actually have gotten to do the things. But I think most people have a crap ton of things they dream about doing and they just feel like, well, either I'm never going to do it or I don't have the time, or I don't have the money. You got to figure it out.

Speaker 1: 17:49

Just put it down and start making the small steps towards it. I'm just making little steps towards big ultimate goals. I think it's for everybody. So if you're sounding like me and you can relate, I'm going to put the post in and get your bucket list going and then I think, it would be fun to.

Speaker 1: 18:06

I'm going to start sharing a little bit about it on Instagram and kind of keep you guys up to date on some things I'm working on, and then I think it'll be fun to kind of update here too, as I'm check things off or move on to new tasks, things like that absolutely. I appreciate your support and letting me post that big old piece of paper in our bathroom. It's not pretty, but it is motivating for me to look at it every single day so you're like oh, it doesn't look very pretty.

Speaker 2: 18:35

No, it's not about that, it's about it's being put in your subconscious and you're working towards it.

Speaker 1: 18:41

That's the key yeah, making effort towards it.

Speaker 2: 18:44

It's so cool. That's so cool. I'm so proud of you.

Speaker 1: 18:47

Well, thank you. I'm excited to share my bucket list journey with you.

Speaker 2: 18:51

Say it one more time your what list journey.

Speaker 1: 18:54

No, we're not, Embarrass everybody.

Speaker 2: 18:58

Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1: 18:59

Thanks for being here with us today. I'll post that link, give you a little inspiration if you're interested in starting your own list, and we will talk to you next time on the Married and Naked podcast. Bye, everybody.